VOID THIS POST PLEASE. BITCHY OVERLOAD.


Don't you just hate when people lie to get out of things?
I know that I do.

I mean, if someone doesn't want to do something with you, why do they have to make up excuses? Why can't they just say

"Yeah... I'm not up for it today, sorry." That's all.

Anyway, I have a project to do.

<3




VOID PLEASE. WHAT KIND OF A BITCH AM I?! NO PMS POSTING FROM NOW ON.

I've lost all faith in friendship. Given up hope.

We only have ourselves in this life. If you get lucky with a lover, you're blessed.

but friends don't exist. not on my earth.




Around the world around the world, around the world around the world.


And the winner is?

You have no idea the things that run through my mind when I talk to some people.

-Crazy
-Jealous
-Stupid
-Destined for Destruction

Things like that.

Never as much as today though. But I set it aside to be a friend.
Always be a friend.

Everybody hurts... sometimes.




You know, sometimes I think that Ben might be right about you.

Telling me that I owe you.... I should never put up with your bullshit. I already have endured enough.

I mean, I don't need you, do I? Just to make my life miserable.
To tell the family that I'm not going to graduate.
Fuck you.

I hope that when you find out all the secrets I hide from you... I hope you cry. And I hope that you blame yourself.

It's all because of you, you know. Everything.

Not anymore. I'm taking my life back. It's not yours anymore.

Every word that comes out of your voice disgusts me. You can keep them.

So come on, hit me with your best shot, hot mama. I've got a counter-attack you're going to love.
The cold shoulder is colder when you're getting it instead of giving it.

You anger me so much. When was the last time you praised me for just being me? When was the last time you saw someone beautiful and just let them be?
You will NEVER know happiness. You don't let anybody, even yourself, achieve happiness because you think that once you're happy you have nothing to live for anymore.
I'm happy, and I live for me now.

Fucking bitch whore narcissist.

Have a nice life,
Jess

Labels: anger, hatred, parents

A morning blog today, which I hardly ever do.

I have a list of plans for the day that I shall tend to.
1- Homework ( I'm not sure how much I have, but I'm positive that when I see it, I'll come close to shitting myself...)
2- Tidy House (The bedroom is a wreck, and the living room could use a dusting)
3- Make Cupcakes ( I babysit tonight and I thought it might be nice to bring easter cupcakes to them)
4- Shower (I think the reasons for this are quite obvious, eh?)
5- Babysit ( yeah, the troublesome trio tonight at 4:45.)

Anyway, I might have time to throw in some music listening or reading, which would be cool.

I'm not starting until 10. It's 9:17 now.

I figure that ten is a good time to start worrying about starting the day. I've been awake for awhile anyway..

Charlie says hello, see? - ;ghiossioy0u7we

Talk to you later, folks.
-Jess




We all have problems.
Fuck labels.




I have never liked the public school system, ever. But lately, I've been liking it less and less.
For one, I find that it's too political. With the presidential Principal supposedly creating fear among his subjects (students).

Anyway...

Maybe the school Principal should be elected. Huh? Yeah...
Of course the school board could choose the candidates... but wouldn't the students feel more like a part of the school if they got to choose who ran it?

I think so.

I have revolutionary ideas, huh?

I will not be sending my own children to public school. I think that it encourages conformity... having all the students strive for the same thing. A+ grades...
And rewarding only the students who achieve this.

It's silly...

Doesn't anybody else see this?

DOWN WITH PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

Ugh.

Peace,
Jessica

Labels: anarchy, anger, conformity, girl, high school, rant, school, student, teen

No Charlie.

That was a dark place.

Oh man, intense.

Charlie NO!

What?

how does your life feel?
what?

Have you smoked it yet?
Mhmm.

How does your life feel?
A little bit better, but not much...i'm like shaking. That was my first bad trip of like anything.
I don't know how i was talking to you.

Oh.

NoO Charlie.




Oh Dear...

Ben bought a dresser today! Isn't that a-mazing? He did it as a surprise for me when I got home from my long day of working and school.

What a swell guy.

He's so sweet to me.


Anyway, I had to go babysit the terrible three tonight... and it was quite an adventure.
I looked up on the District 18 website to see which bus I was supposed to take. I found out that it was bus 46, and that it would stop right on the street that I babysit on.
So... I get on the bus, and we begin to drive. And I look for the street, and we pass right by it.
I figure, no worries, I'll just walk there from the next stop.

The next stop... a 25 minute drive later, was in Durham.
Yeah...

So I got up to talk to the bus driver, who treated me like an irresponsible kid, and she said

"Well I guess you'll just have to stay for the rest of the ride, and I'll take you on my way back,"
Woohoo.

So then she calls dispatch.

"Yeah I have a kid on the bus who stayed on past her stop which was about 20 minutes back, and she'll have to stay on 'till I finish the run."

The dispatch tells her to ask my name so they can call home and inform my parental unit.

"I live alone," I told her.

"Then why the hell are you still in school?" She asks.

BitchPLEASE!

I couldn't believe that. What a bitch.

Anyway, I ignored her after that and waited for the ride to be over. Then I began the adventure in babysitter hell...

I arrive about five minutes late to my only job...And about 20 minutes in to the babysitting, already one of the damn brats is bleeding...
I LOVE KIDS, really I do.
But are you joking me? BLEEDING.
No joke, the youngest, David, chomped down on the inside of his cheek while playing and was oozing the red genetic fluid all over...

I gave him a popsicle, which generated a feeling of jealousy within the other kids.

Great.

So I have one crying because his cheek is bleeding... and two others complaining because they don't get to have a popsicle. Woo-freaking-hoo.
Anyway, about an hour later, another one of the kids starts SCREAMING in the bathroom.
And I mean SCREAMING.
So I rush to her side to see that she didn't quite make it to the toilet, and had peed all over herself.

joy


So there I was, stripping her down, and filling up the bathtub to clean her.

Cleaned and ready, then I go back out into the living room...

Dog shit and piss all over the floor.
With a side order of worms all throughout.

I almost vomited all over the eldest child.

Fuckity shit balls.


Anyway, I got home about 8 o'clock and Ben had purchased a dresser! SOMETHING WE HAVE NEEDED FOR MORE THAN A MONTH.

So yeah...I have a dresser now. Ben cooked dinner for me...

I have an excellent life, hence the upgrade in blog HTML.
Basically, my blog was too dreary and dark.... but my life was a hilarious turn of events.

And change was born.

So here is my happier blog with a sense of humor.

I love my life to an incredible extent, and I'm totally okay if people are aware of that.

My apologies to rachel for any grammatical, spelling, and/or phonetic errors in this post. It is St.Patrick's day, and like a true buddhist, I've had a slight bit of a mind altering substance.
Which is against the buddhist rules, in case you didn't catch the Blasphemy there.

<3

On another note, I have to finish writing/illustrating an entire children's story for Wednesday, so I should really get back to doing that.

Thanks for reading,
Jess

Labels: babysitting, daily, dogs, dresser, kids, life, love, relationship, worms

--------------------------------
♥Mamamia, here i go again...

Okay, so I'm not having a grrrr-eat day, as my frosted flakes promised.

I feel just about as awful as sticking your hand on a lit burner. Maybe even more than that.
I don't know what it is... my mind is just being so bad to me. It's telling me that I'm fat and disgusting and repulsive and that nobody loves me.

Now, I know that's not true...

But my mind doesn't seem to.

I don't know how to combat these feelings anymore. Maybe I should just let them overcome me.

Charlie is better than anybody in the world at making me feel better about myself.
He's warm and furry and knows just what to do to make me smile.

Laying in my lap sleeping now...
I love him.

And I know that I love Ben too...
I really really do.

Now if only my mind would believe it,
Jess

-----------------------------------------------------------------------




---- Finding My Own Little Neverland

Journal...Friday, Feb 29th, 2008

I'm back at school today for the first time in awhile. I've been missing time due to god knows what going on in my head. It's not easy to cope. Maybe I'm selfish... Is it totally ridiculous of me to be upset over nothing...Maybe I should just suck it up through a bit imaginary straw of life.

If I use my imagination, then my life is just a laughable cartoon of characters...

The witch- my mom
The prince- Ben
Random Goblin- Justice
Tower- Depression

The depression keeps all the good guys away while I putter and moan wishing that someone would save me...

But here it is... Ben the handsome prince keeps trying to rescue me, but...
I'm so high up in my 'tower' that I don't see it.

Poor Ben. I can't help but keep him at an arm's distance for some reason. I still love him, that's for sure. I just have such small amounts of patience right now.

The house, for one, is a complete cyclone and I don't like going/being there because of it.

Today I will clean the house and hope, once again, that it stays clean. But of course, Ben doesn't really understand the concept of me.
The house makes it worse... I know it. I don't know how to make Ben realize that I need him to try. He washes the dishes to the best of his ability but they often come out of the sink looking worse than when they went in...

I could try to teach him I suppose.
But Patience... Oh I lack it.

I never pictured myself having the same shit-ass problems with Ben that my mother had with Danny. Could it be that I'm dooomed to become like my mother?

If I am sure of this...
Bring me a kilo of cocaine so I can take it all at once and die now... please

Something in her head is not right... Every and any time that I come to her for advice she turns it into a story about how SHE handled the same situation sooo much better than I did. She just turns it all into the bullshit she must see in her head about how she is better than everybody else alive because she handles things better and blows off her kids to pursue an education that she believes will bring her fame and fortune which seem to be the only thing she wants in her life. "

That and the perfect man.

But even the most perfect man on the earth would not live up to her obscene standards. And if he did... he'd be joining me in front of a swimming pool full of razor blades for a dive soon enough.

Anyway, I hate my mom. Get it?

We're watching Finding Neverland in Child Studies class... and it's so beautiful and inspirational...

The story of Peter pan is one of my favorites... it's so lovely and touching.
I just want to hug Peter until he feels better.
Knowing the story behind the story is even better.

I've been cured by Johnny Depp once again! Huurah!

He should have a religion...

-Jess




-----------------------------------------------------------
Taken from a FEB 26 Journal Entry...

General Mood: Melancholy
Listening To: Lady by Regina Spektor

I decided to start writing because I've heard that it's therapeutic for when you feel depressed. I only say that I feel depressed because this is how I imagine depression feels...

I don't really feel like myself. I don't enjoy the things that I used to love. I sleep more than usual, I start to wonder stupid things all the time. Like the taste of a feeling...

I feel a bit unmotivated, like I need Richard Simmonds to come and kick my ass and say "Get up Girl!"

I feel like I care too much about what other people think. Especially what my mother thinks. I don't know why I care so much. My mom is a cold hard narcissistic bitch.
She sleeps with multiple men, thinks she's better than everybody else, and then for some reason I enable her to think this way. Not really fair to me.

She is awful, and she uses me for watching Justice. If she did not have Justice I am confident that she would probably stop talking me.
Ben tries to tell me that I am too nice to her and put up with too much crap.

Right now I'm sitting at the clinic with her, and she has made it very clear that she is the boss of me. She says that we are not allowed to talk and she will do all the talking and command the doctor not to give a prescription because they are just money grubbing pigs (Creators of Medicine)

So... that's always good. I have a splitting headache. Dull pounding pain... Like my mother's nagging.

She's going on and on about how she's the only one in the world who does things for other people without anything in return. I've seen television shows where people hate their moms... I always thought I'd be different.

I'm not different. I recognize that I don't like my mom. Took me a little while. But I've got it now.

I'm happy that I moved out and I can't wait to get away from my family. I want to move WAY THE HELL out of Atlantic Canada. (We don't even have a time zone)

Justice is crying now because mom has told him that he is not allowed to stay at my house anymore. He apparently complains too much about being there. He does complain one hell of a lot. He lies too... all the time. Blames things on me and my friends. BULLSHIT. I'm glad he's not staying with me anymore. Why the fuck would I open my home up to someone who only has bad things to say when he leaves?

I will need a big fat cigarette when I get home.

Someday when I'm living far away in a land with a time zone... they will all regret the way they treated me. And if they don't...
Well then everybody's happy!

I wish my mother could see past the end of her own god-damn nose. Her behavior is detrimental to everybody around her.
Justice is HARDLY a sociable kid. Danny's relationships fail. And I cling to any sign of love that I find...

*sinatra voice*
That's life.

-Jess
------------------------------------------------------------------------

and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia