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Taken from a FEB 26 Journal Entry...

General Mood: Melancholy
Listening To: Lady by Regina Spektor

I decided to start writing because I've heard that it's therapeutic for when you feel depressed. I only say that I feel depressed because this is how I imagine depression feels...

I don't really feel like myself. I don't enjoy the things that I used to love. I sleep more than usual, I start to wonder stupid things all the time. Like the taste of a feeling...

I feel a bit unmotivated, like I need Richard Simmonds to come and kick my ass and say "Get up Girl!"

I feel like I care too much about what other people think. Especially what my mother thinks. I don't know why I care so much. My mom is a cold hard narcissistic bitch.
She sleeps with multiple men, thinks she's better than everybody else, and then for some reason I enable her to think this way. Not really fair to me.

She is awful, and she uses me for watching Justice. If she did not have Justice I am confident that she would probably stop talking me.
Ben tries to tell me that I am too nice to her and put up with too much crap.

Right now I'm sitting at the clinic with her, and she has made it very clear that she is the boss of me. She says that we are not allowed to talk and she will do all the talking and command the doctor not to give a prescription because they are just money grubbing pigs (Creators of Medicine)

So... that's always good. I have a splitting headache. Dull pounding pain... Like my mother's nagging.

She's going on and on about how she's the only one in the world who does things for other people without anything in return. I've seen television shows where people hate their moms... I always thought I'd be different.

I'm not different. I recognize that I don't like my mom. Took me a little while. But I've got it now.

I'm happy that I moved out and I can't wait to get away from my family. I want to move WAY THE HELL out of Atlantic Canada. (We don't even have a time zone)

Justice is crying now because mom has told him that he is not allowed to stay at my house anymore. He apparently complains too much about being there. He does complain one hell of a lot. He lies too... all the time. Blames things on me and my friends. BULLSHIT. I'm glad he's not staying with me anymore. Why the fuck would I open my home up to someone who only has bad things to say when he leaves?

I will need a big fat cigarette when I get home.

Someday when I'm living far away in a land with a time zone... they will all regret the way they treated me. And if they don't...
Well then everybody's happy!

I wish my mother could see past the end of her own god-damn nose. Her behavior is detrimental to everybody around her.
Justice is HARDLY a sociable kid. Danny's relationships fail. And I cling to any sign of love that I find...

*sinatra voice*
That's life.

-Jess
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and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia