@#&%!!!!!

You know, I just did something incredibly stupid. And I do mean incredibly. I got home today from school, and when I saw the apartment, I almost vomited.
The mess was absolutely overwhelming.

And so.

I started to clean, little by little. Gathered all the cups that were scattered around, the socks on the floor, the dog pee on the carpet... and I realized that most of the mess was not my own.

Boyfriend.

A rolled up, ripped poster on the floor. Powdered juice crystals cemented to the counter. Strainer clogged with noodles. Hot chocolate mug, with hot chocolate painted into the glass.

I was furious, to say the least. I scrubbed the juice, threw out the poster, washed the noodles, cleaned the mug, etc.

Which isn't so stupid.

...but then the stupidity happened. Gargantuan stupidity.


I sent the boyfriend a message. 'you are a pig'

don't hate me, dear reader... it was in a fit of rage. AND a fit of fatigue. I've argued numerous times with him about this stuff, and he never seems to get it.

So then he calls me.

And he says 'what the hell was up with that last message?'

And I tell him.

he tries to defend himself, poorly.

"there were juice crystals on the counter ben, and I had to scrub for ten minutes." I tell him.

"You drink the juice too." he says.

And then, at the worst possible time...

My phone is dead.

He of course, will assume that I hung up on him in a fit of rage.

I called back, sent him texts, left him messages..
He doesn't answer.


what if he leaves me?


I don't know what to do with myself. I've already smoked a cigarette, in my anxious state... because I can't eat due to fasting....

I'm worried.


I will try not to see things as being too bad... I hope he'll see that I'm sorry for yelling. I mean... anybody would have yelled, I think.
I don't want to feel like I'm his mother and I have to baby him and hold his hand to teach him how to sweep and mop and all that crap.

Part of me blames his parents.

What kind of person doesn't know how to use a mop?! Ben doesn't. Or he didn't until he had to mop at work.




@#$%

I'll keep this updated today.
What have I done? I will stop crying. Tears don't help.


-----muchlove
jess

and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia