The beginning of the beginning. The genesis of the blog. I'm Jess, these are my feelings, I'm sure you've met before.
I warned on the welcome page that my posts will presumably, occasionally, contain some bullshit or stupid infantile ranting that will make you want to hit me in the face with an enormous cream pie. FEAR NOT!
I apologize now, if I make you feel like crap. Just email me if this happens. I'll give you big verbal hugs. Promise.
Another thing, for the girls who are supposed to read this and comment on them... the HTML that I used doesn't really allow for a comment box, so you'll have to email me. PLEASE.
It's only fair. And perhaps that's the best way to do it, have emails all set up. Could be good. Name them after our blogs. I dunno...

I'm hoping that this will make me write. I'll force myself to write in it everyday.
If I don't... then I swear on pain of death that I will eat something mildly nauseating.
Scouts honor.

Alright, blog time.

It's Thursday, Valentine's Day.
A holiday that had its roots in good intentioned Christianity... and then became a corporate explosion of pink and marked-up roses.

For the first year in a long time, I have a reason to celebrate Valentine's day... and for some reason, I don't want to. I don't want to feel like I'm a member of this whole group of people who needs a holiday to express their love, or coax a lover into sex when you know they're too tired.


I have Ben though.

And I tell myself, come on Jess, he loves you and cares so much for you, you have to do something. And then I look around, realize that it's unrealistic because my brother is staying over tonight, and decide that I'll just hold him extra long when we fall asleep tonight.

My mind continues to wander, I wonder if he knows that I care for him. Does he know?

I sometimes fear that Ben is going to develop a drinking problem.
I know it sounds silly, and my heart tells me not to believe it, but it's true.
He only drinks on rare occasions, and normally when he does, it's not much.

But lately...

I don't know. It's not like me to care about that sort of thing, but when you love someone enough, don't you have the right to feel uncomfortable about that?

I hope so.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Ben's not the only one I've been a little bit worried about.

There's Kathryn.

I feel like she needs someone to grab her hand and pull her out onto the shore.
It's like her canoe is going over a waterfall, and the only options she has are sink; or swim.
Because I'm her friend, I really wish there was something I could do. But then, maybe there is. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough about what I can do.
Should I offer to have her over for awhile?
Tell her that life is hard, and punch her in the shoulder?
Yell and scream until it goes away?
What do I do?

The most I can do, I think, is tell her that I really do care about her. And that I'll always be here if she needs me.
I'm just a 7-digit number away.

I wonder if she knows how much I really do care.

I often wonder that.I'm aware that I sometimes come off as a cold hard bitch, but I really care about these people.
How do you say that without getting an awkward,
"ohthanks..."

I want all of my friends to be happy.

My mother once told me that when we give advice to others, we often are more defensive than when we are advising ourselves.
For example, if Kassie asked me if she should date a guy with a kid, I'd advise against it. I'd tell her that she could find someone more on her level, or that she would be better off with a guy who didn't have someone else to love other than her, so that he'd get a chance to REALLY love her.
BUT
If it were me. Falling in love with a man with a child... I'd say.
"It's okay Jess. You can handle it. You won't get hurt."

Why do we give the good advice to others while our own souls hang in the balance.

Not a great situation, is it?

To keep my soul from hanging, I'm telling you that I really care about you. Because I know I'd want you to be honest with me about feelings. <3

Alright then, the end of Genesis.
I'll talk tomorrow.
-Jess

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks."-John Muir

and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia