Soo,

Why do I sign up for stupid things that I know I'm going to hate.
Example?
Production stuff.

I was going to be in the show... and then I decided that I FUCKING HATED IT. So I quit.
THEN... I volonteer to do makeup for the show.

Again? I hate it.

It's the people there that I can't stand. They're all 'lyktotallyomg highschoolmusical!'
And I vomit a little...
WHY JESSICA?!

You know, I just need to put my foot down and say, "Helz naw I don't want this shit."

But whatever.

Tonight I go back,
Again...

NEW EMAIL ADDRESS
jessica@moneybull.com

drop me a line, hoes.
-Jess




Little wet tears....


Hi readers. How are ya'all feeling? I'm feeling just peachy keen. I think that I've peed about... nine times today on account of all the juice I've been drinking.
But as of yet, no food has been ingested.

I'm not really experiencing bad side effects. I've stopped craving salt, because I bought veggie juice, which is salty enough to make me happy.

so my life is taken care of when it comes to fasting.

Charlie is humping a stuffed lamb beside me. And he's really into it. Poor little guy can't get no love.

Have you ever noticed how nothing ever happens the way you expect.

I mean NOTHING.

Think about it really hard, and I think you'll agree with me. Why do we even have expectations at all? I think it's silly. Life should be spontaneous, so why bother anticipating anything? You know what I anticipate? Unpredictability.

Yeah this is a pretty fucking lame post. But I really have no genuine thoughts at the moment. I think I have a Reading Tutor test tomorrow, which I'll probably fail miserably. That would suck a mother.

Right... So I'll go now. Listen to more Regina Spektor. then I'll leave and go to The Playhouse... I'm doing all the makeup for the dramabitches...

joY.

-===jessica




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yay!

Ben just called me, and explained that he wasn't mad. And he still loves me.

I get so worked up over such small things sometimes, don't you think?

Yes I do, I do, I do.

I'm hungry.

NO EATING.

-peace
--------jess


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




@#&%!!!!!

You know, I just did something incredibly stupid. And I do mean incredibly. I got home today from school, and when I saw the apartment, I almost vomited.
The mess was absolutely overwhelming.

And so.

I started to clean, little by little. Gathered all the cups that were scattered around, the socks on the floor, the dog pee on the carpet... and I realized that most of the mess was not my own.

Boyfriend.

A rolled up, ripped poster on the floor. Powdered juice crystals cemented to the counter. Strainer clogged with noodles. Hot chocolate mug, with hot chocolate painted into the glass.

I was furious, to say the least. I scrubbed the juice, threw out the poster, washed the noodles, cleaned the mug, etc.

Which isn't so stupid.

...but then the stupidity happened. Gargantuan stupidity.


I sent the boyfriend a message. 'you are a pig'

don't hate me, dear reader... it was in a fit of rage. AND a fit of fatigue. I've argued numerous times with him about this stuff, and he never seems to get it.

So then he calls me.

And he says 'what the hell was up with that last message?'

And I tell him.

he tries to defend himself, poorly.

"there were juice crystals on the counter ben, and I had to scrub for ten minutes." I tell him.

"You drink the juice too." he says.

And then, at the worst possible time...

My phone is dead.

He of course, will assume that I hung up on him in a fit of rage.

I called back, sent him texts, left him messages..
He doesn't answer.


what if he leaves me?


I don't know what to do with myself. I've already smoked a cigarette, in my anxious state... because I can't eat due to fasting....

I'm worried.


I will try not to see things as being too bad... I hope he'll see that I'm sorry for yelling. I mean... anybody would have yelled, I think.
I don't want to feel like I'm his mother and I have to baby him and hold his hand to teach him how to sweep and mop and all that crap.

Part of me blames his parents.

What kind of person doesn't know how to use a mop?! Ben doesn't. Or he didn't until he had to mop at work.




@#$%

I'll keep this updated today.
What have I done? I will stop crying. Tears don't help.


-----muchlove
jess




The beginning of the beginning. The genesis of the blog. I'm Jess, these are my feelings, I'm sure you've met before.
I warned on the welcome page that my posts will presumably, occasionally, contain some bullshit or stupid infantile ranting that will make you want to hit me in the face with an enormous cream pie. FEAR NOT!
I apologize now, if I make you feel like crap. Just email me if this happens. I'll give you big verbal hugs. Promise.
Another thing, for the girls who are supposed to read this and comment on them... the HTML that I used doesn't really allow for a comment box, so you'll have to email me. PLEASE.
It's only fair. And perhaps that's the best way to do it, have emails all set up. Could be good. Name them after our blogs. I dunno...

I'm hoping that this will make me write. I'll force myself to write in it everyday.
If I don't... then I swear on pain of death that I will eat something mildly nauseating.
Scouts honor.

Alright, blog time.

It's Thursday, Valentine's Day.
A holiday that had its roots in good intentioned Christianity... and then became a corporate explosion of pink and marked-up roses.

For the first year in a long time, I have a reason to celebrate Valentine's day... and for some reason, I don't want to. I don't want to feel like I'm a member of this whole group of people who needs a holiday to express their love, or coax a lover into sex when you know they're too tired.


I have Ben though.

And I tell myself, come on Jess, he loves you and cares so much for you, you have to do something. And then I look around, realize that it's unrealistic because my brother is staying over tonight, and decide that I'll just hold him extra long when we fall asleep tonight.

My mind continues to wander, I wonder if he knows that I care for him. Does he know?

I sometimes fear that Ben is going to develop a drinking problem.
I know it sounds silly, and my heart tells me not to believe it, but it's true.
He only drinks on rare occasions, and normally when he does, it's not much.

But lately...

I don't know. It's not like me to care about that sort of thing, but when you love someone enough, don't you have the right to feel uncomfortable about that?

I hope so.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Ben's not the only one I've been a little bit worried about.

There's Kathryn.

I feel like she needs someone to grab her hand and pull her out onto the shore.
It's like her canoe is going over a waterfall, and the only options she has are sink; or swim.
Because I'm her friend, I really wish there was something I could do. But then, maybe there is. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough about what I can do.
Should I offer to have her over for awhile?
Tell her that life is hard, and punch her in the shoulder?
Yell and scream until it goes away?
What do I do?

The most I can do, I think, is tell her that I really do care about her. And that I'll always be here if she needs me.
I'm just a 7-digit number away.

I wonder if she knows how much I really do care.

I often wonder that.I'm aware that I sometimes come off as a cold hard bitch, but I really care about these people.
How do you say that without getting an awkward,
"ohthanks..."

I want all of my friends to be happy.

My mother once told me that when we give advice to others, we often are more defensive than when we are advising ourselves.
For example, if Kassie asked me if she should date a guy with a kid, I'd advise against it. I'd tell her that she could find someone more on her level, or that she would be better off with a guy who didn't have someone else to love other than her, so that he'd get a chance to REALLY love her.
BUT
If it were me. Falling in love with a man with a child... I'd say.
"It's okay Jess. You can handle it. You won't get hurt."

Why do we give the good advice to others while our own souls hang in the balance.

Not a great situation, is it?

To keep my soul from hanging, I'm telling you that I really care about you. Because I know I'd want you to be honest with me about feelings. <3

Alright then, the end of Genesis.
I'll talk tomorrow.
-Jess

"In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks."-John Muir

and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia