So it's Tuesday of this final week of my highschool days. And I must say, ladies and gents... I feel rather excellent.
I don't think that anything could quite compare to the sense of calm and serenity that I feel, now that I know I don't have to put up with highschool drama anymore.
Never again will I have to worry about anything highschool related.
That includes but is not limited to,
-people who just assume they're better than you when they're in a different income bracket
-people who actually are better than you, because they're in a different income bracket
-girls who wear skirts in march
-girls who wear leggings with shirts and think it's a good look
-boys who like girls who wear skirts in march
-teachers who praise boys who like girls who wear miniskirts in march

the list goes on...

There's something quite poetic about it, really. The greater part of my youth is over now, and the only fragments of it that are left, are the memories.
Seems like it could be very sad to think about.

I only have happy thoughts.

I'm done being a helpless child, submitting to the 'school rules'. I make the rules now, and they rule my life.

I can be what I want to be, when I want to be, and where I want to be.
It's an excellent feeling, I can't describe it really.

Ben is my soul mate, I've decided. I don't think there's anybody on earth that can stir up so much emotion in me the way that he does.
I often think that our life and love could be too good to be true, but I really hope and wish that it isn't.
Good things come once in a while, and sometimes we're so caught up in the world that we forget to stop and appreciate the fact that it's good.

I know a good thing when I see one, and Ben is definitely a good thing.

I'm technically 'babysitting' right now, so I should probably head off. HUGE exam tomorrow that I'm studying for all night.

Woo.
Anybody care to discuss the historical significance of Columbus?
Didn't think so.

werd,
jess




Well hi!

It's Monday, and I don't have to be at school. Exam week is going on, and I wrote my first exam last week. My second exam, which also would have been today, is happening tonight at 5pm. A performance exam!
I'm really looking forward to it.

NATTTT!

I dunno, I just, I don't have the passion for performing that I used to. Maybe someday it'll come back to me, but when I'm in that little class, with those people... I can't stand it.

There are certain things in life that I can do without.

1.) People that think they're better than others.
2.) People who leave a cloth wadded up by the sink after doing the dishes, and it gets all stinky and disgusting.
3.) Really sticky humid heat that makes you drip sweat.

I think that's about it.
For now.

Anyway, Kassie is coming over and we're going to chill out.
I look forward to THAT.

Anyway, talk to ya'all later.

-Jess




Wow, I'm a terrible blogger. Sorry to anybody who reads this, and moreso... sorry to myself. I owe this to me. A chance to put my soul out there, and I didn't take it.
Bad girl.

I've become a smoker, ladies and gents.
Isn't that awful, polluting the world and the beauty with my smoke??
I know it is, but there's something about taking a smooth drag off a long white cigarette that makes me feel romantic and almost... right.
Parts of me wish to be that girl in the 50's, like Holly Golightly, walking down fifth avenue...

I know that I'm too much of a hippie to ever become that. But for the moment that I smoke... I am that. It's me.

Guess what else is new?
Grad.

That's right, I'm done.

And I feel an almost overwhelming sense of calm and serenity about myself at this point. Everything is right, and I'm good with who I am.

Here's a song for ya'all. Just the lyrics.


reflecting light- Sam Phillips

Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light
I wrote the pain down
Got off and looked up
Looked into your eyes
The lost open windows
All around
My dark heart lit up the skies
And now that I've worn, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light
Give up the ground
Under your feet
Hold on to nothing for good
Turn and run at the mean times
Chasing you
Stand alone and misunderstood
And now that I've worn, I've worn out the world
I'm on my knees in fascination
Looking through the night
And the moons never seen me before
But I'm reflecting light


This song just speaks to me on so many levels, it screams the things that I can't say and knows the things I feel.

<3

THIS IS MAJOR TOM...

Man, Kat and I have had some good times since I last wrote, I love her to death.

Anyroad, I should peace.

-Jess




With recent events, which are tragedies and dramatics... I need to dive into something. Sink myself into a hobby like I used to..
Writing calls sometimes. I feel like I need to write until my fingers are raw and my wrists burn with arthritic cramps.

Sounds like a plan...

So many unfinished stories, unwritten ideas... It's a waste...

Now?

The deep breath before the plunge, I'd say. Here goes.




Ben and I got a crib last night, it's beautiful. We spent the evening building it and making room in the bedroom.
I told my mom today, too. I just flat out told her that I didn't give a shit about her opinion or how pissed off she'd be.

It's excellent.

I'm so happy and excited. <3

Life's working out now that I'm doing what makes me happy.




There are some moments in life when things just seem to fit together, like the pieces have just fit together perfectly...

I had a huge wave of those feelings today.
It was like when you smell cinnamon buns cooking... you know what they are, and you are just sinfully blissfully, perfectly content with everything.

Things have worked out.
All is well.




When I got to homeroom today, Kathryn told me that her sister was '98% sure' that my doggie, Charlie, is malnourished.
Absolutlely terrified, I rushed to the computer in my first period class (Where I am now,) and I did some research on the health of puppies, and what to expect from them.

Thankfully, no evidence in Charlie points to malnutrition.
Thank God.

When Chelsea and Kat visited, Charlie had just eaten, and we feed him home-made organic food, so it is not the way people are used to a Dog's breath smelling. But it doesn't mean he's sick, thankfully.

His poops are pasty, and not clear or full of mucus, so that's a good sign. Also, he has a healthy apetite and is energetic, which is also a healthy sign.
Charlie's fur is not shiny, but I asked the vet about that the last time we were there (A week or so ago) and he said that because Charlie is still young (only 5 months), he has puppy fur, which is not as shiny and slick looking as the fur of an older dog.
So he's fine.

I did look online to see what, if anything, I'm doing wrong about his food, and it was inconclusive.
I'm considering meat in his food, but I believe that it would be a protien overload, which will kill his kidneys.

I swear, it hurt my heart so much to hear someone say that they didn't think I was adequately caring for my dog. It was like a huge kick in the face...
I mean, I know it's normal for people to observe and comment on the things around them... but questioning my ability to care for my pet...

Well whatever.
He's healthy, not dying, not underweight. He'll be just fine.

I wonder if things will be like this when I have a child. Will people see that I make my own baby food and assume that I'm not feeding them properly? Will people question my ability to raise a child, and tell me that

"I'm 98 percent sure that your daughter is very unhealthy" you bad bad bitch of a mother.

God I hope not.

But then again, I've met women like this, who always have an opinion of everything and everyone. Like my mom!
I'll never hear the end of it.

Phuck.

anyway, I should get to actually being in class now,
Ciao

and what i want to be(for today)
let me just be myself
at 18 years old
bornJanuary 19 1990
nova scotia